The Trigger

In the last few months, more than ever, Ive had to face my emotions head on. That meant pausing in the midst of adversities, and challenging each and every one of my emotions to find their roots. What I disclose in this piece, although relatively small to the overall internal and external work I’m doing, is cataclysmic. So much that I woke up, prodded by nothing but adrenaline, at 7 am on a Saturday after 4 hours of sleep to describe it in words for you.. so please read:

I’ve fought my entire life to be in a position where no one could ever control me. I grew up thinking that emotional pain was the bi-product of vulnerability. Vulnerability being a bi-product of trust. And disappointment being an internal threat to my own stability after I was shaken, which didn't take much. It was my weakness, all of it, because in and through it all I could only see pain so I avoided it at all cost- the vulnerability and the trust, so I’d never have to be disappointed in myself for knowing better but doing the opposite.

“They cant hurt you if you dont care”

I vividly remember writing in my diary as a child. I really wish my mother hadn’t forced me to rip up those pages but the hurt emanating from those pages was too much for her to bare so she made me destroy it instead of confronting, the agony page by page. I don't blame her for I now understand the fragile state she was in, which my words made evidently clear to her as she read them.

I say all of this to lay the foundation for a necessary clarification I now need to make. 

In my post, I Dont Need a Dad (referred to hereinafter as “IDND”), I reflected on how the absence of my father during my childhood created a void that only recently surfaced in a major way when love, I was responsible for nurturing, became present in my life (motherhood & marriage) and I was consumed by fear because I now questioned whether the love I knew was enough. 

I was consumed by fear because I now questioned whether the love I knew was enough. 

I wholeheartedly put that blame squarely on my father. And although his actions/inactions are in-part to blame, I failed to take into account the other things, happening at that time, which may have led him to make the decisions he did. That wasn't fair to him. This is not a recant or a modification to IDND, I’m simply sharing a deeper understanding and perspective, that I originally couldn’t understand because the hurt was still all too loud in my head and you know what they say “hurt people hurt people.”

Dad, I’m sorry I hurt you. 

I’d like to leave it there because everything else after that seems to be secondary but this is bigger than just me, or my dad and I.