A Substance of Things Hoped For
When I got pregnant my life changed dramatically. I’m not just referring to the fact that I could no longer drink, or eat my favorite sushi dishes, or the impending fear of ultimate responsibility, or the way this budding person already transformed my relationship with my spouse. I’m talking about the total and complete shift in mind, body & soul.
Like the three elements- gas, liquid, water.. This shift started when I was pregnant- a spiritual shift (akin to gas), which began to condense when I gave birth- something I could hold, but yet understood how I could contain/ maintain (akin to water), and after her first birthday solidify into a physical shift moving me in time and space and subject matter (akin to a solid).
“A substance of things hoped for; evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1 describes faith. But this is exactly how I describe Motherhood.
Looking back at it, it made total sense that as my baby brewed, so did my faith. I vividly remember one of my daily commutes to the office, sitting in morning traffic on the Grand Central, reflecting on my life, and like a flood, everything “wrong” smacked me in the face. I was overwhelmed with the mistakes I made, underwhelmed with the progress I thought my relationship was making, and at that moment, I realized I was a mess about to birth a baby into it all. I held my belly and balled my eyes out. Not yet earth side, she was already so perfect and the thought of unintentionally passing on my flaws, hurts and traumas to her brought me to tears. I begged God to help me dig up whatever I managed to suppress, to help me truly be my best self, not only for me but, for my partner and, most importantly for our baby girl. It was that morning on the Grand Central that God began to peel off the bandaids and gently address those wounds that never healed.
It was in the slow moving traffic, with a destination in mind but no way of estimating how long it would take to get there, that my Faith began to grow. I guess.. akin to labor and delivery.
But let me be really honest.. it took some getting used to.. you know the part AFTER pregnancy. Love or the lack thereof is of no relevance. A baby literally comes out your body and you’re like “ok now what??” Some of us instinctively figure it out while others are like “wtf is this?” I’d like to believe I’m somewhere smack in the middle but the truth is without my amazing support system I’d be all the way “WTF!”
The truth is Motherhood is a challenge I wasn’t prepared for. Some things I didn’t expect while others I expected, but didn’t accept. Like just how big of a role “mommy” is even when two parents are involved and how my freedom, instead of my husband’s, always seemed to be most compromised, making me very resentful.
I recently questioned whether I am truly capable of being a good mother, I know, after almost two years of doing what seemed to be a pretty decent job.. but removing all the support could I really do it??
I mean, I’m sure I’d figure it out but “sure” like when someone asks you to do something you have no idea how to do but you say “suurreee.” I am not the “I am mom I can do it all” type .. I am the “I am mom please help me!!” type. The moment I admitted it to myself, and acknowledged that it was ok.. was the moment I truly began to mother on MY own terms.
As my friend and new mom Silver said, “ I never knew how many sacrifices I would be willing to make for someone who knows nothing of what’s going on.”
Because despite all the growing pains, one thing I know for sure, there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to make sure my little girl is happy!
As I reflect on the past two years of her life, I reflect on the best parts of my journey to wholeness. Our birth, our transformation, our truth, our story.
